a moment.

thats all you have to try to grasp.

all that could be left of someone.

and when their gone you cling to that moment

as though it might run away from you.

you clasp it so tight that your mind hurts

from trying to mentally recapture every single movement.

and one day you wake up and you realize that the moment

you tried so hard to preserve has become distant.

you can no longer recall the sounds, the smells

what that person looked like in that exact second

and it hurts, a deeper kind of hurt than you expected

because although you know their memory will always exist in you

does it really exist if it is fleeting and not solid?

if you can’t even remember their voice?

Have you forgotten? can you honestly not remember

this person was the world to you. your sun, your moon, your earth

and you can no longer hear their voice among your memories. 

its sad, this pain, a deep ache of recognition

of time passed, of moving on, of failing to capture that moment you tugged on.

and where are you deviney? why can’t i grasp you anymore?

why can’t i imagine your hugs or you singing me to sleep? 

where is your hand to dry my tears?

i can’t feel you anymore, deeper than a physical meaning.

where are you my darling sister?

I need you sometimes.

A moment. thats all that passes through my head right now. Of you helping me stand up from tying my shoes on the field at track practice and asking me how my day was going. That moment, a little smile, a simple gesture. Is forever seared in my mind, even though it’s been years since I’ve seen you. And today I find out that you’re gone. You were so funny, always making the boys laugh. I remember all of the inside jokes you had with my bear Justin and big Kevin G. 

You served our country, bravely in the Army. You never failed to try to make those around you smile. You were one of the people who truly surprised me in RTL, when Mr. popular football star got emotional and cried in front of the very people who looked up to him. You were a star in life Ryan, and you continue to be a star now. 

That moment, of your face is forever seared into my mind, as I am sure so many moments with you are in the hearts and minds of others. your courage, your love, your strength will guide those who treasured those qualities in you. I hope that all you left behind can fill them up with what they need to carry on after losing you. 

Rest In Peace, and say hello to my sissy, Oma, Anita,  Tanta, and grandpa for me. <3 

Dear you,

I just wanted to let you know. That even when I’m being a brat, even when I’m confused and I say things I don’t mean. you are always there to make me smile, and I know that. I just want to be that for you too. Among this world of craziness and all the stress lately, you have reminded me of the simplicity in finding joy through giving joy to others. I hope that at some point I can show you how much you mean to me and how all of those things you do all the time to make me smile, make me smile so much more than just in that moment that you do them. Because when I’m sad or lonely or feeling overwhelmed I think of those moments and I remember to breathe and I remember your little count to seven thing. And I smile, and I will continue to smile because you’ve reminded me that I can. 

You’re amazing, you’re kind, you’re thoughtful. And no matter how much people might be upset with us for spending so much time together lately, we will somehow find a balance. we will make this work. We will find a way to be stable without needing to breathe in each other, but for right now. this is what makes us happy and it’s okay to feel that for a little while. It’s okay to be lost among the butterflies. Do you know why butterflies fly?

<3

that awkward moment when you realize you smell like pickles because you spilt pickle juice on yourself earlier…….. awesome. 

Mmm the magnificence

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story of my life!

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beautyyyy

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so I’m sitting here.. when i should be doing econ. but i can’t. my mind is floating. away to the past, away to the future, away to you, away to the me i always thought i would be. where am i now? and where am i going? 

can i stand on my own two feet yet? realizing how easy it was to delete someone today shocked me. just a click of a button and its as though an entire year of my life just went away. such a strange sensation. and i wonder why other people can’t do that… and i wonder how some people can stay friends after a break up and others are truly just heart broken, and further how some can seem to forget…

am i so easily forgotten?

not that it matters anymore, I’ve let go of you. of everything you meant for me and the promises i held onto for so long. that has long since been gone. but the idea, that little idea that love means something more than just a few words. is that gone too? have i let go of that as well? i hope not. because life has so much to offer..

but in this envelopment of weird sensation between the old and new, the me and the me I’m going to be, i find myself wondering. does love ever actually go away? is that why people get numb? 

and can someone really just be friends with an ex that they dated for a long time, that they probably were in love with? is it rational to think that maybe they could just be friends. it doesn’t seem rational, yet here i am sitting wondering how it is that i believe it.. and if they were to be friends, could it really be a best friendship where they talk everyday? it just doesn’t feel right.. and i usually follow what feels right, so why am i still sitting here like this wondering about all of this when i should be doing econ.

am i lost? am i found? am i being true to myself? i just want to find my way.

i just want to wake myself up.